Patience in the Moment

I have often been confused about my own ability and inability to practice patience. When it comes to enduring big challenges over long periods of time, I seem to have more patience than I even realized. However, when it comes to having “patience in the moment,” I sometimes wonder where all of my patience went.

Patience in the moment are those little situations, like waiting in a slow line at the grocery store or biting your tongue when someone does something that upsets you at work, home, school or church. Patience in the moment are also those situations when you feel like you are about to break down or lose composure. 

The majority of these moments in my life usually involve my children. You know what I am talking about. Those times when they keep getting down from the table before they are done eating or getting out of bed every five seconds. Those times when they are so loud and rowdy that you feel like your head is going to explode. And, of course, those times when they just refuse to listen to you.

These are often the moments when I feel like I have no patience, especially after dealing with the same scenario for what seems like the one hundredth time in a row. I have often thought to myself, “Sometimes a parent should be allowed to cry over spilled milk.”

However, patience in the moment also applies to situations with co-workers, friends, other family members and sometimes even perfect strangers.

When I am confronted with the need for patience in the moment I find myself wondering why I can’t always find the patience I need in each of these situations. Then I learned why.

The Lesson

During one particularly hard day I was getting after my kids for every little thing. I was worn thin. The next morning I felt the same way. But later that morning my brother dropped off his son for me to watch with my kids. During the day my nephew came to me for a hundred different things and at times he demanded things from me right away. But you know what? I didn't mind. I never seemed to lose my patience. I was calm and rational about it the whole time.

This puzzled me. Why did I seem to have so much patience in these moments with my nephew, but I felt that I had no patience with my own kids? I started to think about how I often get after my kids for things and then I asked myself, “Would I be okay if my brother spoke to my kids that way?” The unequivocal answer was, “NO!” If I ever saw anyone speak to my children with harsh tones, I would probably pummel them.

I realized that the difference was that I had resolved how I would treat my nephew. I realized that because my brother trusted me to care for his child that I needed to make an extra effort to speak nicely to my nephew, make him feel welcome, help him when he wanted me to and act mindful of his needs. I chose to set myself aside and be in control of my emotions.

I realized that God has trusted me with my children and expects me to treat them in the same way that my brother trusted me with his son. Likewise, God expects each of us to treat all of His children in this same way.

With this thought, my answer came to me like a ton of bricks. I recalled how the scriptures often place temperance right next to patience when providing a list of Christ-like characteristics.

I realized that patience in the moment is not as much about patience, as it is about the often unrecognized characteristic of temperance. Patience in the moment is less about practicing patience and more about practicing temperance.

The Need For Temperance

Temperance is a companion and mentor to patience, especially in the moment. These two characteristics work hand-in-hand, yet we only seem to focus on learning to have more patience. We often overlook the need to develop the key characteristic of temperance, which provides vital support in our ability to exercise patience.

Temperance is the ability to be in control of yourself. It is the ability to choose how you act, think or speak. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines temperance as: “moderation in action, thought, or feeling: restraint.” Temperance is about becoming the master over one's actions, thoughts and feelings.

When we find a torn book next to a guilt-stricken child, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice? When a co-worker messes up a project that we spent weeks perfecting, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice? When we see an error on a bill that charges us too much, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice?

Patience in the moment has everything to do with self-control and choice. I realized that patience is what I was practicing up until the moment when I felt I could bear no more. Temperance is what I needed to practice in those fleeting moments, but instead I was only trying to practice more patience. Patience alone will not work.

So how do you have self-control in those moments when you feel like you have no control over anything? I believe that the answer is in the question itself. Self-control is much different than control over other people or your surroundings. We always have a choice on how we will act. The problem is that we are usually in the habit of acting or reacting in one way or another and find it too difficult to choose to act any differently.

Learning Temperance

So what can we do to break our habits and practice temperance when we feel like we are about to lose our patience? More importantly, how do we change our “action, thought or feeling” and learn this form of "restraint" and self-mastery?

One thing is for sure. Say a prayer—whether for strength, love, understanding or temperance. 

Second, if you can step away from the situation for a moment to breathe that is even better. We often feel like we are going to lose our patience and are unable to practice temperance because we are surrounded by our situation. With my kids, I sometimes go in another room and just lock the door for a few minutes. And even though they are banging on my door and the chaos remains when I step out of my room, those few moments to breathe help me endure the remaining moments with greater patience and temperance.

Third, resolve to act differently before you are confronted with a situation. That was the difference with how I treated my nephew.

Fourth, keep trying and learn to apologize and ask forgiveness from those you may have hurt during your moments of weakness.

Last, remember that temperance is "moderation" in how we act, think, speak and feel. It is not sitting by the wayside and doing nothing. Rather, it is the wisdom and self-control to know when to act and when not to act. It is also the wisdom and self-control to choose the proper timing and manner in which we allow ourselves to act, think, speak or feel.  

These are a few things I have learned. I do not have all the perfect answers for cultivating patience and temperance, but God does. As we humble ourselves before the Lord and seek His council, He will help each of us find increased patience and temperance in our lives.

2 Peter 1:4-8 

4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.