Patience in the Moment

I have often been confused about my own ability and inability to practice patience. When it comes to enduring big challenges over long periods of time, I seem to have more patience than I even realized. However, when it comes to having “patience in the moment,” I sometimes wonder where all of my patience went.

Patience in the moment are those little situations, like waiting in a slow line at the grocery store or biting your tongue when someone does something that upsets you at work, home, school or church. Patience in the moment are also those situations when you feel like you are about to break down or lose composure. 

The majority of these moments in my life usually involve my children. You know what I am talking about. Those times when they keep getting down from the table before they are done eating or getting out of bed every five seconds. Those times when they are so loud and rowdy that you feel like your head is going to explode. And, of course, those times when they just refuse to listen to you.

These are often the moments when I feel like I have no patience, especially after dealing with the same scenario for what seems like the one hundredth time in a row. I have often thought to myself, “Sometimes a parent should be allowed to cry over spilled milk.”

However, patience in the moment also applies to situations with co-workers, friends, other family members and sometimes even perfect strangers.

When I am confronted with the need for patience in the moment I find myself wondering why I can’t always find the patience I need in each of these situations. Then I learned why.

The Lesson

During one particularly hard day I was getting after my kids for every little thing. I was worn thin. The next morning I felt the same way. But later that morning my brother dropped off his son for me to watch with my kids. During the day my nephew came to me for a hundred different things and at times he demanded things from me right away. But you know what? I didn't mind. I never seemed to lose my patience. I was calm and rational about it the whole time.

This puzzled me. Why did I seem to have so much patience in these moments with my nephew, but I felt that I had no patience with my own kids? I started to think about how I often get after my kids for things and then I asked myself, “Would I be okay if my brother spoke to my kids that way?” The unequivocal answer was, “NO!” If I ever saw anyone speak to my children with harsh tones, I would probably pummel them.

I realized that the difference was that I had resolved how I would treat my nephew. I realized that because my brother trusted me to care for his child that I needed to make an extra effort to speak nicely to my nephew, make him feel welcome, help him when he wanted me to and act mindful of his needs. I chose to set myself aside and be in control of my emotions.

I realized that God has trusted me with my children and expects me to treat them in the same way that my brother trusted me with his son. Likewise, God expects each of us to treat all of His children in this same way.

With this thought, my answer came to me like a ton of bricks. I recalled how the scriptures often place temperance right next to patience when providing a list of Christ-like characteristics.

I realized that patience in the moment is not as much about patience, as it is about the often unrecognized characteristic of temperance. Patience in the moment is less about practicing patience and more about practicing temperance.

The Need For Temperance

Temperance is a companion and mentor to patience, especially in the moment. These two characteristics work hand-in-hand, yet we only seem to focus on learning to have more patience. We often overlook the need to develop the key characteristic of temperance, which provides vital support in our ability to exercise patience.

Temperance is the ability to be in control of yourself. It is the ability to choose how you act, think or speak. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines temperance as: “moderation in action, thought, or feeling: restraint.” Temperance is about becoming the master over one's actions, thoughts and feelings.

When we find a torn book next to a guilt-stricken child, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice? When a co-worker messes up a project that we spent weeks perfecting, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice? When we see an error on a bill that charges us too much, is it patience or temperance that we need to practice?

Patience in the moment has everything to do with self-control and choice. I realized that patience is what I was practicing up until the moment when I felt I could bear no more. Temperance is what I needed to practice in those fleeting moments, but instead I was only trying to practice more patience. Patience alone will not work.

So how do you have self-control in those moments when you feel like you have no control over anything? I believe that the answer is in the question itself. Self-control is much different than control over other people or your surroundings. We always have a choice on how we will act. The problem is that we are usually in the habit of acting or reacting in one way or another and find it too difficult to choose to act any differently.

Learning Temperance

So what can we do to break our habits and practice temperance when we feel like we are about to lose our patience? More importantly, how do we change our “action, thought or feeling” and learn this form of "restraint" and self-mastery?

One thing is for sure. Say a prayer—whether for strength, love, understanding or temperance. 

Second, if you can step away from the situation for a moment to breathe that is even better. We often feel like we are going to lose our patience and are unable to practice temperance because we are surrounded by our situation. With my kids, I sometimes go in another room and just lock the door for a few minutes. And even though they are banging on my door and the chaos remains when I step out of my room, those few moments to breathe help me endure the remaining moments with greater patience and temperance.

Third, resolve to act differently before you are confronted with a situation. That was the difference with how I treated my nephew.

Fourth, keep trying and learn to apologize and ask forgiveness from those you may have hurt during your moments of weakness.

Last, remember that temperance is "moderation" in how we act, think, speak and feel. It is not sitting by the wayside and doing nothing. Rather, it is the wisdom and self-control to know when to act and when not to act. It is also the wisdom and self-control to choose the proper timing and manner in which we allow ourselves to act, think, speak or feel.  

These are a few things I have learned. I do not have all the perfect answers for cultivating patience and temperance, but God does. As we humble ourselves before the Lord and seek His council, He will help each of us find increased patience and temperance in our lives.

2 Peter 1:4-8 

4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Patience With God

Life throws a lot at us. It seems like some things take too long to resolve. For some it is sickness, unemployment, a stray child, or waiting for a small business to finally take off. We often grow impatient and frustrated when it seems like others and God keep telling us to hang in there and be patient. We often wonder, “How long do I have to keep waiting?” "How do I even find the patience to wait?" "Will I ever find peace?"

Purposes of Patience with God

In having patience with God we can often grow frustrated with what He is doing or not doing in our lives or the lives of others. However, patience with God is usually not about what He is doing or not doing—it is usually about what we are doing or not doing.

As I have gone through life, I have personally found that God’s purpose in having me exercise patience with Him comes down to:

1. Something I need to learn.
2. Something others need to learn.
3. The timing is not right.
4. I need to do more.
5. It is not the Lord’s will.

Acceptance & Willingness

I believe that acceptance of our current situation helps us cope and realize what we need to do or what lessons we need to learn. Acceptance does not mean that we agree with or even like our current situation. It also does not mean that we sit idly and do nothing to change it. It simply means that we acknowledge that the results may not be as immediate as we would like or even turn out the way would like.

It is important to realize that circumstances in life do not always end up how we pictured them. If we are stuck on how we picture the direction of the outcomes we want, then we will never clearly see the direction of the outcomes God has in store for us. Likewise, we will become frustrated, anxious, fearful, angry, depressed and stressed when our outcomes do not seem to go as planned.

I have found that when I am on my last stretch of patience in a circumstance—when I feel as though I can go no further—I approach the Lord and say something to this effect:

“God, I have done all that I can do. Here is what I have done. I do not know what else to do or where else to turn. Please open my eyes to see what I am missing. Please provide me with an opportunity and the strength to change my circumstance or accept it. I put my trust in Thee and know that Thou hast the power to help me do what I cannot do on my own. I am willing to do whatever it takes.”

As I have reached this point of acceptance and willingness to do whatever it takes—and to follow any and all of God’s direction—I have immediately found answers, solutions and opportunities unfold before me—without fail! Most importantly, I have felt God’s peace literally envelop me beyond anything that I can describe. It is with this peace that I have found the strength to keep going. It is with this peace that I am able to see His answers, solutions and opportunities more clearly. It is with this peace that I am able to have the patience to endure to the end.

Peace Brings Patience

Our need for patience is generally because we are waiting for something. We are looking forward to the relief and peace that comes when the wait is over. We often think to ourselves that if we can make it to the end or change our circumstance, only then will we find relief and peace from our circumstance. This true to an extent, but the perspective is somewhat backwards.

I strongly believe that it is okay to ask for specific outcomes in our prayers, as long as we sincerely acknowledge and accept the Lord’s will no matter the outcome. However, we often tell ourselves that  if we are patient with the Lord we will eventually find the peace and relief from the burden of our circumstances. 

This is true to an extent, but the perspective on how we gain peace and patience is backwards. This line of thinking gives the false impression that patience will bring lasting peace. But the truth is that lasting peace is what gives us the strength to be patient in our circumstances.

I know that we can receive a great sense of relief and peace after achieving a goal or when a bad circumstance changes from bad to better. But what if we never reach our end goal? What if our circumstance never changes? What if it actually gets worse? And even if it did change for the better, how long will that change and the accompanying peace last?

Lasting peace—God's peace—washes away anxiety, frustration, fear, anger, depression and stress. It allows us to focus on what is truly important. It gives us the strength to have patience with God and to trust in Him. But He is not asking us to do it alone. Jesus Christ said,

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:29)

In other words, the Savior is saying, "Join me. I will help you pull through your burdens and together we shall find peace."

Our ability to find patience with God lies within our willingness to seek and accept the lasting peace He offered to us through Jesus Christ's atoning sacrifice. His peace will sustain each of us through any and all circumstances. Then when we achieve our goals, or when our circumstances change from bad to better, the peace we have already found will increase and be accompanied by joy, gratitude and happiness.

Patience With Others

Have you ever had problem to resolve at work, school or home where the solution seemed so obvious, but no one else was picking up on it? And even though you point out the solution, people seem to glaze over it, spend hours discussing pros and cons, and fumble through a myriad of failed or impractical solutions. Then, after all of these seemingly unnecessary extra efforts, everyone circles back to the obvious solution you proposed in the first place.

This happens to me all of the time. It’s frustrating. I often think to myself, “Well, if you would have just listened to me in the first place we could have saved ourselves a lot wasted time and heartache here.” Also, “If you are not going to listen to me, why do I even try? Why am I here?”

Letting Others Learn

What makes the above scenario more frustrating is when everyone speaks about your idea as if they came up with it on their own. However, the fact is, they DID come up with the idea on their own and that is the point. 

In the business world allowing others time to accept and support an idea is often referred to as "creating buy-in.” The informal definition of buy-in from Merriam-Webster is an "acceptance of and willingness to actively support and participate in something." Essentially, it is all about providing information and ideas to others, helping them where it is needed and then allowing them to make their own conclusions in the hope that they will jump on board with you.

Creating buy-in is all about exercising patience with others. And exercising patience with others is all about giving them room to learn, grow, and gain experience and understanding for themselves. In work situations where I have tried to force a solution without allowing time for “buy-in,” it has always backfired on me. It has either made people completely refuse to look further into an idea that I proposed or it has caused them agree to do it, but with a chip on their shoulder about me and the idea. I have seen the same situation with my children and family members.

What I like about the concept of creating buy-in is that it reminds me that having patience with others is about building team-work. It is not about you telling others what to do. It is not about excluding others who do not agree with you. It is not about letting your emotions fly. And it is not about you being right or pridefully thinking that you know better than everyone else.

No, buy-in is about working together and so is patience with others. It is about helping others come to conclusions on their own, but not doing it for them. It is about helping people feel guided and supported, but not having something shoved down their throats.  At its core, patience is about humility, love, tolerance, temperance, forgiveness and faith.

In exercising patience with others we need to also recognize that we may never get credit for all of our efforts to help and support others. However, if we are humble and care more about others than ourselves, eventually we will see that it does not really matter if they recognize our efforts.

What We Gain

In all this discussion about having patience with others, let's not be so proud or naive in thinking that it is only about helping and supporting others learn something. In truth, having patience with others ultimately rests on us. Therefore, this means that having patience with others is equally about the things you learn along the way.

When I am patient with others, I often find new perspective about myself, those I am patient with, and whatever the issue is that I am trying to resolve. So often, patience with others also gives us time to realize if perhaps we are in the wrong and others are simply being patient with us. What I gain from patience with others is less frustration and anger in my life, and more understanding and peace. In truth, I learn how to better master my emotions, because I am consciously setting myself aside. I am working to help, support and often wait (double meaning there) on others. This personal growth, understanding and self-mastery alone is worth every once of patience that I may exercise—especially when I do not achieve all of the results that I may have so patiently waited and hoped for.

God's Approach

The approach of buy-in, patience and allowing others to learn life lessons on their own is simply the model that God uses in our lives as He exercises patience with us. That is why we are here on earth. God wants us to learn, grow and gain firsthand experience. If He did it all for us, then we would not learn things for ourselves and we certainly would not develop patience within ourselves. Not doing things for us does not mean that God will not be there to help, love, guide, and support us as we learns things firsthand.

God is always there for us. He is forever patient with us. If we are to become more like Him, we must trust in Him and learn to practice patience with others in the same way that He practices patience with us. By so doing, we will find less contention, frustration and unnecessary drama in our lives. We will learn to master our own emotions more fully and we will become more like our loving and eternally patient Father in Heaven.

Patience With Ourselves

Patience with ourselves is a subject that I think most of us do not take the time to think much about.

Have you ever seen someone trying to learn a new skill, but they don’t seem to get it? The classic example is a kid trying to learn math. I am sure that most of us, if not all, have dreaded memories of racking our brains trying to figure out a math problem. If you are like me, there are times when you threw the book down (or across the room) and just wanted to give up or actually did give up altogether.

How often do we encounter problems or weakness in our lives where we determine that it is just too hard or pointless to keep trying?

I play the guitar and I wish I could play as good as Eric Clapton or Jimmy Hendrix or one of the guitar greats of the world. I often get motivated to practice new things so that I can improve, but sometimes I grow frustrated after an hour because I feel like I am no better at the guitar than I was an hour before.

How many of us get motivated and put in effort, but soon grow frustrated because we did not immediately get the results we desired?

This sounds like a classic weight-loss story, right? Try this diet, do that work-out, buy a gym membership. But after minimal or inconsistent efforts (or sometimes a lot of genuine effort) we eventually grow frustrated or resolve to stop trying.

Goals Teach Patience

Here are a few tips to help us be patient with ourselves:

1. Have a plan and set realistic expectations.
2. Be constant and consistent in your efforts.
3. Give yourself credit for what you accomplish along the way.
4. If all else fails, try again or try a new approach and repeat.

These tips are simply a goal setting pattern. Although we may not realize it, setting goals help us learn to be patient because we have laid out a plan. The neat thing is that setting goals can also help us be patient with others and life’s circumstances.

Worthwhile goals do not require patience, worthwhile goals teach patience. If we genuinely want something bad enough we will set goals toward achieving it. It is easy to picture the ending that we want, but if we never set goals we will always look at that picture from afar. Setting goals is as much about reaching them as it is about learning patience along the way.

Something To Focus On

Have you ever had a list of things to do and found yourself so involved with one item on the list that three hours felt like 30 minutes? Goals help do that for us in a way.

But do not think goals simply distract us. Through goals we actually gain focus and our impatience naturally subsides. Goals help us create stepping stones and set benchmarks. They help us see the bigger picture with an end in mind and how to get there. Goals help us achieve what we have so diligently waited for and worked toward. 

Applying Goals

In a way, patience is a natural by-product of setting worthwhile goals. Setting goals and learning patience with ourselves applies to our lives in dozens of ways. A few include: learning something new; reconciling mistakes; forgiving or gaining forgiveness; overcoming challenges; and turning weaknesses into strengths. Goals can be applied at home, work, school, church, sports and everywhere else.

So if you struggle to be patient with yourself, others or even life, try setting some goals to give yourself focus. You will soon discover patience more naturally in your life.

Humility

I have always been drawn to quiet and humble individuals. This might sound funny to those who know me, because I am anything but a quiet individual. People I have told this to generally joke that it is probably because I like having someone to dominate and who will listen to me. However, the reason is quite the opposite.

Music in a Crowded Room

Have you ever been in a crowded room with music in the background and everyone spoke louder just to hear each other? What is everyone’s automatic reaction when the music goes off? Generally, people go quiet, look and listen for what is going on.

Have you ever been that person that is talking just as the music is turned off? All of the sudden it feels like you are practically yelling what you were saying and everyone seems to be staring, grinning or giggling at you.

That is how I feel when I am around a quiet and humble person. For some unknown reason these people make me very self-aware. And that is why I like it. This self-awareness causes me to stop, look and listen—to think before I speak or act—and to turn my attention to someone else.

Finding Humility
For this reason, its like I am drawn to them. I have this desire to find out what makes these people tick. I want to know if they are humble because it is a natural part of their character or if something has happened in their life? I have this desire to set myself aside for a moment and get to know them. To see if there is something I can learn from them. To see if they are going through a hard time and if there is something I could do to help them. All of the sudden I have this desire to put someone else before myself. Humble people inadvertently humble me in return.

Paradoxically, humility helps me become more self-aware because I am less self-absorbed. Uncovering humility forces me to learn how to mesh this foreign quality with all of my other good qualities that come more naturally. Humility does not mean submission to everything in my path, but it does mean being willing to submit if necessary. It does not even mean that I am quiet all the time, but it does mean that I am willing to listen. In its simplest form, humility helps me recognize that I am no more important than anyone else. It teaches me how to keep my confidence in check and it prevents me from spilling over into arrogance and error. Humility helps me uncover my weaknesses and recognize where I can improve. It teaches me to be patient and temperate in my actions and the master of myself.

These results allow me to uncover and invite a new level of inner peace and tranquility into my life that is hard to find. It causes me to love and respect others as well as myself because it helps me see truth more clearly. Humility makes me a better person. That is why I love it so much.

Choosing Humility

This causes me to think of three scriptures from the Book of Mormon and the Bible:

Alma 32:16
Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble;… 

This is what I call self-willed humility. It is choosing humility. You invite humility into your life. Self-willed humility helps us recognize our weakness on our own before others or circumstances cause us to. Self-willed humility also allows us to learn to accept and move beyond what others or circumstances may shove in our faces, rather than embrace the natural instincts of denial, bitterness or pride.

 Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Everyone has weaknesses. It is up to us to allow our weaknesses to humble us through error or for us to be humble enough to recognize our weakness before error. Am I perfect at it? Not by a long shot. But I think the effort to invite humility into our lives is what matters and eventually we will get it down.

James 4:6&10
...God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. . . . Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

If we choose the path of humility, whether compelled or self-willed, we will learn to recognize our weaknesses more clearly, improve our lives more fully, find a new level of respect for ourselves and from others, and discover the sweet inner peace. All of these blessings come from God. The level of selflessness and self-awareness we gain through humility is simply our ability to hear and implement God's whisperings more clearly in our lives.